Preface#
It is now June 6, 2022, and I am 25 years old. In fact, since the post I wrote two years ago today, "Confession at 23: Seeking Meaning", I had planned to write one every year, as a way to account for my eventful or perhaps mundane year.
A lot has happened at 23, but every time I open a blank document, I don't know how to start. Unlike high school or college, this year has been full of changes, with the successive loss of two close family members, changes in relationships, the pressure of switching majors for graduate school, and the anxiety of job hunting...
It's been difficult to summarize these experiences with a clear theme or a few keywords. I struggled a few times and eventually gave up. I consoled myself by saying that there's still New Year's, and when there's more certainty in work and future life, I'll have more to say. But I kept putting it off until now.
So, what about the year I just turned 24?
About Love#
It's interesting to think about it. A lot has happened this year, and when I look back, I can summarize it with the phrase "a bouquet-like love."
Honestly, I'm not someone who is very mature when it comes to relationships. I pursue self-growth, often fear commitment, and don't always understand interpersonal boundaries. These are qualities that can be called "scumbag" qualities. But I seem to be a lucky person who has encountered, or rather, has encountered someone who is willing to tolerate and accompany me as I slowly grow.
This relationship started with anticipation and beauty. Two people who are very similar, with common goals and things they love, walking hand in hand as fellow travelers. For a long time, I was immersed in this state of happiness, even doubting whether I deserved such luck. After all, I used to be a terrible person and did some terrible things. Being forgiven is already fortunate enough, so how dare I ask for more.
In the past year, I have changed a lot. I have become willing to think about and look forward to the future. I have started making commitments and no longer fear changing my life. We came to Beijing together, raising a cat, saving money, working hard, decorating our busy yet fulfilling lives, looking forward to the new stage of returning to Hangzhou together, and envisioning a future for the two of us. I often think, maybe this is my perfect love.
However, the worst thing for a relationship is self-satisfied giving and taking things for granted. Maybe I have always thought of myself as a decent boyfriend. I have been there for her in terms of time and space, worked hard, and tried to fulfill what she wants. But maybe that's all there is. Thinking back, how long has it been since we opened up and had a heart-to-heart conversation? How long has it been since we prepared surprises for each other on a specific holiday? How long has it been since we went out on a proper date together? Even on the most important birthday, we forgot to blow out the candles and make a wish, and had to make up for it the next day. There are many things we haven't done.
Maybe there are many reasons that can make me feel a little "at ease." For example, we agreed not to do anything extravagant, and even made a list of gifts we want to give each other for the next year. Or maybe we have been working overtime every weekend for two months, and we simply don't have the energy to plan so many outings. Or maybe both of us have transitioned from being classmates in the same major who spent all their time together to a new stage of work, and we no longer have as many common topics. Or maybe...
It wasn't until this relationship ended abruptly that I realized, perhaps she didn't get the love that belonged to her. When the fantasy of love overlaps with reality, when distance dilutes the filter of the honeymoon period, when I place my emotions and desire to share in a relationship, maybe the relationship has slowly deviated from its original track. I was just the lucky one who was always protected.
I have always considered myself not a typical romantic. I never expected my life to be as exciting as books or movies. I just try to follow my emotions and desires as much as possible. I never thought I would see so much of my own life in a movie, even the ending.
But can career and love really not coexist?
To this day, I still don't think so. I'll borrow a line from a video by "Little Deer Lawrence":
She is actually a very easy person to please. If you feed her a baby panda, she can be happy for several days. Even if I don't have to work overtime to edit videos, she can be so happy that she dances. After watching "A Bouquet-like Love," she cried like a fool. My point of empathy is different from Mr. Rice's. In the movie, they go to a bookstore, and the male lead keeps reading books about "success." It's because I've been studying management recently. I understand that it's not that we don't like literature anymore, but sometimes life can only be maintained by desperately changing and adapting, just to barely maintain the status quo.
Sometimes I feel that the phrase "maintaining the status quo" is so beautiful. In some stages of life, we can enjoy the beauty of love leisurely, while in other stages, just maintaining it requires desperate changes.
I always feel that liking someone is based on mutual admiration, a genuine recognition of each other's personalities, actions, and the things they love. The person being admired will feel fulfilled, and the admirer's eyes and actions will shine. Maybe I have focused less on the other person's actions as an independent individual. Maybe many of the things that used to attract me have been drowned in the trivialities of life and work and are no longer worth it. There are many maybes, but whether I accept them or not, at least this phase of fate has come to an end.
Unknowingly, a month has passed, and I am surprised that I haven't given up on myself as expected. It's like a drama I recently watched, "My Liberation Diary," where a line goes:
"But I want to break free. I hope my life can truly become happy and joyful. So, admire me, and when spring comes, both you and I will transform."
I rarely openly talk about my feelings, but I didn't expect to vent so much in this way. This relationship has meant a lot to me, and it's a pity that I didn't share it at the right time. Until now, it's probably expired candy.
I am still searching for redemption in this relationship or in this life. My heart will still hold onto or rekindle this admiration until I can no longer move forward, probably, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. The person being loved will feel fulfilled and experience happiness.
About Other Things#
In the past year of work, from the uneasiness of starting a job to the painful struggle of taking charge of a project, and then gradually getting on track. I have learned and grown a lot in my work, met a leader who is a good fit and a project team that is interesting. Another leader often encourages me to grow on Twitter. I am grateful that my first job has introduced me to them.
I feel emotional. Although there have been ups and downs, most of them seem insignificant when I look back now. I have neglected the truly important parts of life and emotions because of these things. Perhaps this is life, and it is impossible to view one's every move from a god's perspective. But at least, I am fortunate enough to be doing what I love in the industry I have chosen.
I have started writing blog posts again. In the past year, I have published 22 articles, although half of them were updated last month. I filled the pit of building my own blog that I had always wanted to write about. I have received a lot of attention and comments, and I have met many like-minded friends. Because of these articles, I have become an author on "Minority" and my articles have been shared by its founder. I have even received invitations for commissioned articles, which has been an interesting experience.
In the coming year, I will continue to persist in creating content.
I have always wanted to contribute to open source, but unexpectedly, I recently organized my various tools into a GitHub project called "pseudoyu/yu-tools Personal Toolbox". It has brought me the joy of reaching 100 stars, which was a pleasant surprise.
In the following year, I hope to focus more on learning and contributing to open source projects.
I still have the soul of an English major. I have translated 8 technical articles related to the Go language for the "GoCN Translation Team". I participated in the translation of the "Blockchain Dark Forest Survival Manual" led by the blockchain security expert Cosine. I contributed to the English translation and global release. It's a small contribution to the blockchain industry.
Perhaps these are insignificant on the path of technology, but at least I am making progress.
Conclusion#
This is my 24th year, an ordinary yet unforgettable year.
As for turning 25, I can't say I have many expectations. I'll end with a quote from a comment I made on a video by "Little Deer Lawrence":
There are times in life when you have to struggle to live on your own.
I am encouraged by his comment as my favorite blogger. I also want to thank all my family and friends who care about me. In the new year, please take care of me.