Preface#
This article is a record and reflection on life from 2025-01-13 to 2025-01-20.
This week, I sent out some wedding invitations, visited my middle school teacher, and returned to my hometown to see my grandparents. I found myself reminiscing about my life over the past twenty years, feeling nostalgic while also beginning to accept that many people and things from the past have slowly faded away.
Life Has Long Gone#
Recently, sending out wedding invitations has been a magical experience. It seems that at about thirty percent of life's progress bar, one needs to recount some of the traces left in the past and what remains around them.
I consider myself a person who has been "drifting" both objectively and subjectively. I grew up in my hometown in Jiangsu until I was about eight or nine years old. As a child, I must have had many playmates in the countryside, but I was too young when I left. More than ten years later, when I returned home, my parents pointed to a group of people and said, "This is xxx, who was in your class; you used to play well together." By then, I couldn't even remember their faces.
At eight or nine, I transferred to Hangzhou, bringing with me a bit of a rural accent, somewhat awkward Mandarin, an introverted and somewhat dull personality, and a sense of insecurity that made it hard for me to fit into this new environment. Additionally, I encountered some not-so-great teachers. Fortunately, my younger self was simple-minded and always submissive, so I "luckily" got through that period. After entering middle and high school, I met some great teachers and made friends, gradually developing a greater sense of belonging to Hangzhou. However, after going to university in Wuhan alone, most of my friends from Hangzhou became limited to seeing each other only during winter and summer vacations, or even not at all for years.
As time went on, it seemed I drifted even further. I spent important years of my life in Wuhan, meeting roommates and close friends with whom I still have late-night talks. Then there were friends from Hong Kong, Beijing, and others I got to know through remote work, expanding my circle. I kept meeting more people, yet the number of those who stayed in my life grew fewer, with too many fleeting encounters.
I haven't stayed in any one place for too long, and many old friends have slowly faded away due to distance and changes in our respective life circumstances. I used to pride myself on being nostalgic, unwilling to let go of the past even as it encroached upon my living space. Yet, looking back at this point, it may just be a longing for my former self; time moves forward, and life has long gone.
Remembering Them#
Recently, I’ve been looping through a song by Mao Buyi called “Remembering Them”, which is an MV made by a blogger I love, "Little Deer Lawrence." The opening line is:
"Have you chatted with your best friends from the past recently?"
More than a year ago, I stopped contacting a close friend due to some conflicts.
We had been friends for about fourteen or fifteen years, which is more than half the length of my life so far, witnessing each other's growth and life ups and downs. Over the past year, I sometimes wonder what I would be like if he hadn't been in my life for the past decade. I also feel a bit regretful about how things ended up this way.
Not long ago, I met with our mutual friend/middle school teacher, and we talked a lot about many past events, the beginnings and endings of our conflicts, our feelings, and our current lives. I learned that his life hasn't changed much, while I seem to have gotten used to distancing myself from my past self in just a year. People always seek different versions of themselves at different stages of life, just as the lyrics say:
"Have I grown now? I don't feel it.
There are still many things that can trap me.
So, have I become weaker? I don't feel that either.
After all, what do those experiences count for?"
After our conversation, I felt a sense of relief. It wasn't exactly a resolution of my heart's knot, but it felt more like a farewell to the past and to that version of myself during that time.
"There are people around me coming and going,
Leaving a part of themselves,
Taking a part of me away."
At the end, the teacher asked, "Will you think about reconciling?"
I thought for a moment and realized that perhaps it would only happen when both of us reach a new stage in life, at some point in the future, to get to know each other again. Once we walked together, gratitude and apologies may never be spoken again but will instead become a part of ourselves, carrying the joys and regrets of the past as we move forward. I seem to have matured more now, with a life I take more seriously, and I silently remind myself to avoid "deep conversations with shallow relationships" when facing new friends and experiences.
One can only grow slowly, and only then will the world reveal all its truths to you. The experiences of the past are hidden in the nuances of my interactions with this world, surfacing as sudden memories at dusk or transforming into a future "long time no see."