Weekly Report #77 - A Room of One's Own (Reflections on Intimate Relationships)

Preface#

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This article is a record and reflection on life from 2024-10-21 to 2024-10-28.

A couple of days ago, I read an article titled "Lessons Learned from Intimate Relationships" by "Third Shire" and wanted to write a piece summarizing some of my feelings and changes over the past year with my senior. Many things have not found the "optimal solution" like the original author, but I am aware that some issues in intimate relationships are often postponed or set aside because love serves as a shield, until conflicts erupt. Therefore, I also want to document this as a form of introspection and reminder to myself.

A Room of One's Own#

I think independence and personal space are the most common yet challenging topics in intimate relationships, especially in a model like mine with my senior. The two of us actually came together out of mutual admiration; I envy her energy and mindset, as she can maintain her passion for life in the fast-paced work environments of Hong Kong and Beijing, engaging in activities like painting, rock climbing, reading, and writing, showing me that there is another way to live. Perhaps she also admires my independence and focus on technology.

However, once in an intimate relationship, both individuals inevitably become more dependent on each other, whether emotionally or spatially.

Previously, when I was in a long-distance relationship between Hangzhou and Beijing, I would go to Beijing for two to three weeks each month, leaving a week for our individual solitude and the anticipation of our next meeting. Now that we are together in Hangzhou, we each rented a room in the building next door, entering into a long-distance relationship within the same community. But since neither of us needs to commute regularly, we often spend several consecutive days together, making independence a false proposition.

At first, I couldn't quite understand why I felt a lack of independence even when we were in the same space but doing our own things. Gradually, I realized that my senior is more sensitive and relies on a solitary environment to focus on reading, writing, or even just daydreaming, while I am not very perceptive to my surroundings; I can dive into another world as soon as I open my computer and am not easily distracted.

When we are in the same space, I can check on her anytime, ask what she is doing, or just give her a hug while passing by. However, my senior still feels a sense of "invasion." She enjoys our intimacy but also experiences an underlying insecurity.

We have made some adjustments, such as setting rules for ourselves: on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we spend time apart, while the remaining time we are together. However, this still does not solve the problem, as even after being apart, we miss each other and find various reasons to stay together, leading to a continuous cycle.

Recently, we have tried focusing on our own activities during the daytime, and then going out for meals or preparing simple dinners together at mealtime or after work. It seems that dividing our time into three hours of focused individual activities adds a sense of ritual to our meetings and interactions. We often joke that this boyfriend has a three-hour shelf life; once the time is up, he should be put back in the fridge to stay fresh.

Woolf wrote in "A Room of One's Own":

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.

I think the key point of this statement may not lie in the physical "room" but in the idea of "a room of one's own," meaning that even in an intimate relationship, one still needs to maintain a space that is excluded from the other individual.

The Real Self and Flaws#

Another major challenge in intimate relationships is the "real self" and the tolerance for each other's flaws. When interacting with close individuals, people tend to be less guarded, and over time, some conflicts are inevitable.

I am someone who has very low demands for the quality of life; I can go a day or two without eating or sleeping, and I might not buy clothes for months. I am also quite insensitive to my surroundings; I can function in just a few square meters around my computer and bed, and it might take me a week or two to notice a bottle that has fallen on the floor. At night, I often fall asleep with the lights and computer on without realizing how it happened. My senior, on the other hand, is very serious about life; she cares deeply about the cleanliness of her space, the arrangement of items, and the rituals of daily life. She is more sensitive to her environment, and even a tiny bit of light or sound at night can make it hard for her to fall asleep.

In our daily interactions, these habitual differences often accumulate into small emotions. The issues may not be significant, but they are challenging to resolve and may require a longer time to understand and adjust to.

Compared to these trivial daily habits, a more serious issue is the respect for each other over the long term.

Sometimes, when I am busy with something, I tell my senior that I can leave in 15 minutes, but in reality, it may have already been half an hour or longer. Perhaps leaving 10 minutes earlier or later wouldn't significantly affect our plans, but this behavior is a form of disrespect for her time. If I had estimated it would take half an hour, she could have sat down to read a few pages or handle some work instead of wasting time in meaningless waiting.

After a few instances, I realized that as my remote work time became more flexible and I had more things to do or want to do, my ability to estimate and manage time had deteriorated. Yet, I often stubbornly refused to acknowledge this, sometimes getting so busy that I forced myself to multitask.

After several occurrences, I began to take this trend more seriously and discussed my feelings and emotions with my senior. It is something that can be alleviated through communication and adjustment, but it seems that even in intimate relationships, being honest about one's real self and shortcomings still requires courage.

Personal Life Snapshot#

Last weekend, I flew back to Chiang Mai for a day. I was very tired and spent the last few days resting at home, lacking the energy to study or handle heavy work, so I continued to tinker with my Chromebook.

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In the end, I installed Arch, and I love it! I spent a long time browsing many AUR package contributors' blogs, perfectly configured it, and found that newer software like follow and cursor have kind-hearted people packaging and maintaining them. The Wiki is also very detailed.

For the next few weeks, I will continue my nomadic life; I will stay here until after the Bangkok devcon. At that time, our company will also host an event, so feel free to come and join!

Interesting Things and Stuff#

Input#

Although most interesting inputs will be automatically synced in the "Yu's Life" Telegram channel, I still selected a portion to list here, making it feel more like a newsletter. Additionally, I built a microblog using Telegram Channel messages as content sources - "daily.pseudoyu.com," which makes browsing more convenient.

Articles#

Videos#

Series#

Penguin, which I downloaded on HBO just before getting on the plane. I thought it was a documentary about penguins, but it turned out to be about Gotham's Penguin. It was very exciting, and I binge-watched 5 episodes.