Weekly Report #52 - Another Perspective on Humility and Emotions

Preface#

This article is a record and reflection on the life from 2023-11-30 to 2023-12-03.

On Sunday night, while organizing various files, I realized that many of the previous issues were written in the cracks of working days. Coincidentally, I returned to Hangzhou on Friday night, so I had more time alone. I thought, "It's been a long time" and I didn't want to delay the weekly report until the middle of the week and rush it.

I spent a lot of time reading books and catching up on anime during the journey and the weekend. "The Burial of Furen" was very captivating. I couldn't help but binge-watch 13 episodes. I was not satisfied and even envisioned the world of swords and magic, thinking about catching up on "Fire Emblem: Engage" as well. However, when my Switch was charging, I watched "Neurosis and Human Growth" and ended up spending the whole day on it. I didn't even open my Switch until the weekend was over. Because I hadn't exercised much in the past two weeks due to illness, I started running again. I revisited the night view of Hangzhou and remembered the time in July and August, as if it was a different world. There were many interesting things as well.

"Humble" Personality#

I often feel the awkward parts of my personality that have been brought about by past experiences, but I don't know where to start to make changes. I finished reading "Neurosis and Human Growth" this week. Actually, I rarely read books like this. I have read "Inferiority and Beyond" and "The Courage to Be Disliked" before, and I found many resonating points in them, but I still felt powerless. This book was recommended to me once, so I added it to my reading list. I remembered it on the weekend and got hooked. I finished reading it in a day and found myself in many descriptions of "humble" personality traits.

The most valuable part, in my opinion, is not the solutions. Psychological healing is not something that can be achieved solely through a few books. What is precious is how accurately it describes the behaviors and thought patterns that are difficult for me to describe.

neurosis_and_human_growth_02

The part that resonated with me the most is the description of how I often mess things up when faced with conflicts between love (in a broad sense, not just romantic) and the rhythm of life. It's like a bug that always appears under specific conditions in a program that has been running smoothly. The reason is not difficult to find - it's simply because I want both and can't give up either.

I used to think it was the result of perfectionism, expecting there to be a perfect solution. But I gradually realized that it wasn't entirely the case. The contradiction itself creates a strong sense of disorder in me, and I am afraid of this disorder. At such moments, I don't confide in either side to seek help. Instead, I stubbornly try to find the optimal solution, a solution that can achieve a balance between the two. However, the reality is often difficult to reconcile, leading to self-criticism and self-deprecation caused by my inability to handle the situation, and then triggering an even stronger sense of disorder.

This description may seem abstract, and there happens to be an example not long ago. At the end of August, I received an invitation to the muChiangmai mentor program, which offered me an opportunity to stay in Chiang Mai for a while. The condition was to complete an English workshop on Solidity, which was a challenging but exciting journey.

At that time, I was also planning my first trip with my senior sister. So I thought, why not go to Chiang Mai together during the National Day holiday? I mentioned it casually. My senior sister was looking forward to it and started looking for flights and researching the trip. She bought a beautiful dress and asked me every one or two days if the itinerary was confirmed and when we could book the tickets. But at that time, I was busy with the work accumulated from the end of the month and also considering the theme of the workshop. I didn't give a specific arrangement.

One day, my senior sister said, "I don't know if it's just my illusion, but I feel like you don't really want to go to Chiang Mai with me." That's when I realized that I wasn't really too busy to even look at the flight times. It was because I felt a strong sense of conflict and anxiety trying to achieve both goals - "I should ensure that my first trip with my senior sister is perfectly planned" and "I should complete an English workshop in Chiang Mai that satisfies myself" - within a short week. I couldn't make a decision and didn't have enough confidence to handle the many unknowns. As a result, I became frustrated with my disorderly self and became even more unaware of my senior sister's emotions and feelings.

At such moments, I didn't think of communicating this issue with my senior sister. Instead, I struggled with myself until everything fell apart. In subsequent conversations, my senior sister said that she just wanted to leave footprints and memories of the two of us in another country, and she didn't have too many expectations and obsessions about Chiang Mai or the trip itself. But in my imagination, I added too much invisible pressure to myself.

Of course, life is not a story, and the realization that comes late does not necessarily lead to a happy ending, as seen in "Weekly Report #48 - Inner Mongolia Trip, Chiang Mai Wanderer, Restarted Weekly Report and Life". Our trip didn't happen, and I went to Chiang Mai alone. Even now, it's still difficult for us to talk about "traveling together" as a casual topic.

A few days ago, when we were discussing some previous thoughts, my senior sister sent me a diary excerpt from that day. There was a paragraph that said:

boyi_diary_20230903

He needs a sense of order. He can accept small disorder (occasional rain, casual daily life), but he will be overwhelmed by a large-scale disorder (journey, relationship).

I should give him more time. Pushing won't work. He needs to figure it out himself. I should focus on what I need to do at this moment.

—— 20230903

When I am in a state of disorder, I am grateful that she fully understands what challenges I am facing and trying to overcome, rather than just venting emotions. Even after a long time, I am still moved when I read this paragraph.

Another Perspective on Emotions#

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Perhaps because this is my weekly report, most of the time, I narrate things from my perspective. A few days ago, while chatting, I saw some diary excerpts from my senior sister for the first time. Looking back, it was quite interesting.

boyi_diary_20230618

Today, he was very active on WeChat, which gave me a sense of security. He must like me.

It was very pleasant to be with him. This week felt like a dream in the summer, making the whole June seem somewhat unreal.

—— 20230618

This was the week I mentioned in my article "In the Mood for Love" when I went to Shanghai and Beijing. At that time, I had hidden feelings, but I felt awkward and didn't know what to do.

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Although the trip to Shanghai was only two days, changes were quietly happening. Feelings were growing and spreading in my heart. We walked on the Bund, guessing the words on the tall buildings or on the boats. We got caught in the rain without an umbrella, laughing, like two people who never grow up.

When we said goodbye at Hongqiao, we both knew that we couldn't maintain the unspoken understanding we had before. But I became scared, retreated, and avoided it.

"I'm afraid of the emotions I have developed. I'm afraid that the flawed me won't be able to handle such a complicated relationship, and I'm afraid that I'm just pretending to be happy for a moment."

This is probably the most authentic portrayal of my previous state.

Looking back, it's interesting to compare. She was frank and sincere, while I was timid and struggling. These two hearts gradually approached each other. Until:

boyi_diary_20230706

OMG! We are together now. Love came too fast, like a tornado. Let it be natural. I am happy when he is around.

In terms of getting along and understanding each other, we are really different people.

I come from the southeast coast, while she comes from the northwest desert. She is decisive and sometimes a bit ~~temperamental~~, while I am easy-going and can indeed make her lose her temper. We have the same mentor, but our career paths are completely different. She enjoys sports like rock climbing, boxing, and surfing, while I would rather self-destruct in front of the computer for two months. She goes to bed at 10 o'clock, while I have no sleepiness at 3 o'clock in the morning. We have completely different eating habits, and we can't find the same type of food in a not-so-large buffet. She needs a well-organized and delicate home, while my sense of order may come from organizing apps by color in folders and changing the theme color of VS Code. I love watching movies and anime, while she thinks life is short and wants to find a pure land through reading. ...

Sometimes we are surprised at how two such different people came together, and sometimes we feel that it should be this way, just like a poem by Pablo Neruda that I quoted on a card when I gave her flowers:

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Interesting Things and Objects#

Input#

Although most interesting inputs are automatically synchronized in the Yu's Life Telegram channel, I will list some of them here. It feels more like a newsletter.

Books#

Neurosis and Human Growth, recommended by homura, finished reading it, mentioned above.
What My Bones Know, about self-healing, maybe it will bring a different experience after reading "Neurosis and Human Growth".

Articles#

Videos#

Anime#

Spy x Family Season 2, Aniya Saiko!
Fena: Pirate Princess, very captivating, watched 13 episodes in one go.