Weekly Report #52 - Another Perspective on Humble Personality and Emotions

Preface#

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This article is a record and reflection on the life of the week from 2023-11-30 to 2023-12-03.

On Sunday evening, while organizing various documents, I realized that many of the previous issues were written in the cracks of working days. Coincidentally, I returned to Hangzhou on Friday night and had more time alone. I thought, "It's been a long time" and I shouldn't delay the weekly report until midweek and rush it.

I spent a lot of time on reading books and catching up on anime during the journey and the weekend. "The Burial of Phyllis" was very captivating. I couldn't help but binge-watch 13 episodes. I was not satisfied and even rekindled my imagination of the world of swords and magic. I thought about catching up on "Fire Emblem Engage". However, when my Switch was charging, I watched "Neurosis and Human Growth". I ended up watching it for a whole day and didn't even open my Switch until the weekend was over. Because I hadn't exercised much for two weeks due to illness, I started running again. I revisited the night view of Hangzhou and remembered the time in July and August as if it were a different world. There were many interesting things.

"Humble" Personality#

I often feel the awkward parts of my personality that have been brought about by past experiences, but I don't know where to start to change. I finished reading "Neurosis and Human Growth" this week. In fact, I rarely read books like this. I have read "Inferiority and Transcendence" and "The Courage to Be Disliked" before, and I found many resonating points in them, but I still felt powerless. This book was recommended to me once, so I thought of reading it on the weekend. However, I was captivated by it and finished reading it in a day. I found myself in many descriptions of the "humble" type.

The most valuable thing is not the solution. Psychological healing is not something that can be achieved solely through the theories of a few books. What is precious is how accurately it describes the behaviors and thought patterns that are difficult for me to describe.

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The part that resonated with me the most is the description that I am not an overly indecisive person, but I often mess things up when faced with conflicts between love (in a broad sense, not limited to emotions) and the rhythm of life itself. It's like a bug that always occurs under specific conditions in a program that has been running normally. The reason is not difficult to find—it's just that I want both and can't give up either.

I used to think it was perfectionism that caused this, making me expect a win-win solution. But I gradually realized that it was not entirely the case. The contradiction between the two made me feel a strong sense of disorder, and I was afraid of this disorder. At such moments, I don't confide in either side to seek help with the problems I encounter. Instead, I stubbornly try to find the optimal solution, a solution that can achieve a balance between the two. However, the reality is often difficult to reconcile, leading to self-criticism and self-denigration caused by the inability to do what I want, and then causing an even stronger sense of disorder.

This description may seem abstract, and there happened to be an example not long ago. At the end of August, I received an invitation to the muChiangmai mentor program, which gave me the opportunity to stay in Chiang Mai for a while. The condition was to complete an English workshop on Solidity, which was a challenging but also anticipated journey.

At that time, I was also planning my first trip with my senior sister. So I thought, why not go to Chiang Mai together during the National Day holiday? I mentioned it. My senior sister was very excited about it. She started looking at plane tickets and travel guides early on. She bought a beautiful dress. Every one or two days, she would ask me if the itinerary was confirmed and when we could book the tickets. At that time, I was busy with some work that had accumulated due to the end-of-month deadlines, and I was also considering the theme of the workshop. I didn't give a specific arrangement.

Until one day, my senior sister said, "I don't know if it's just my illusion, but I feel like you don't really want to go to Chiang Mai with me." It was then that I realized that I wasn't really too busy to even look at the flight time. It was because I felt a strong sense of conflict and anxiety when trying to achieve both goals of "ensuring that my first trip with my senior sister is perfectly arranged" and "completing an English workshop in Chiang Mai that satisfies myself" within a short week. I couldn't make a decision, but I didn't have enough confidence to do well in many unknowns. As a result, I became frustrated with my disordered self, making it even more difficult to empathize with my senior sister's emotions and feelings.

At such moments, I didn't think of communicating this issue with my senior sister. Instead, I struggled with myself until everything fell apart. In subsequent conversations, my senior sister said that she just wanted to leave the footprints and memories of the two of us in another country, and she didn't have too many expectations and obsessions about Chiang Mai or the trip itself. But in my imagination, I added too much invisible pressure to myself.

Of course, this is life, not a story, and the realization that comes after the fact does not necessarily lead to a happy ending, as seen in "Weekly Report #48 - Inner Mongolia Trip, Chiang Mai Wanderer, Restarted Weekly Report and Life". Our trip did not happen, and I went to Chiang Mai alone. Even now, it is still difficult for us to treat "traveling together" as a casual topic.

A few days ago, when we were talking about some previous thoughts, my senior sister sent me a diary excerpt from that day. There is a paragraph that goes like this:

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He needs a sense of order. He can accept small disorder (occasional rain, casual daily life), but he will be overwhelmed by major disorder (journey, relationship).

I should give him more time. Pushing won't work. He needs to figure it out himself. What should I do at this moment?

—— 20230903

When I am in a state of disorder, I am grateful that she fully understands what challenges I am facing and trying to overcome, rather than just venting emotions. Even after a long time, I am still touched when I see this paragraph.

Another Perspective on Emotions#

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Perhaps because this is my weekly report, most of the time, I narrate things from my perspective. A few days ago, while chatting, I saw some diary excerpts from my senior sister for the first time. Looking back, it was quite interesting.

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Today, he was very active on WeChat, which gave me a sense of security. He must like me.

It was very pleasant to be with him. This week felt like a dream in the summer, making the whole June seem somewhat unreal.

—— 20230618

This was the week I mentioned in my article "In the Mood for Love", when I went to Shanghai and Beijing. At that time, I had hidden feelings, but I felt awkward and didn't know what to do.

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Although the trip to Shanghai was only two days, changes were quietly taking place. Feelings were growing and spreading in my heart. We walked and stopped on the Bund, guessing the words on the tall buildings or on the boats. Even though we had umbrellas, we still got wet in the sudden rain and laughed, like two people who never grew up.

When we left each other at Hongqiao, we both knew that we could no longer maintain the tacit understanding we had before. But I was afraid, retreated, and avoided.

"I'm afraid of the emotions that have arisen in me. I'm afraid that the bad side of me won't be able to handle such a complicated relationship, and I'm afraid that I'm just enjoying the momentary happiness with a hidden agenda."

This is probably the most authentic portrayal of my previous state.

Looking back after a long time, it's interesting to compare. She was frank and sincere, while I was timid and struggling. These two hearts gradually approached each other. Until:

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OMG! We are together now. Love came too fast, like a tornado. Let it be natural. I am happy when he is around.

In terms of getting along and understanding each other, we are really different people.

I come from the southeastern coast, while she comes from the northwest desert. She is straightforward and sometimes has a bit of a temper, while I am easy-going and can indeed make her lose her temper. We come from the same school, but our career paths are completely different. She likes sports such as rock climbing, boxing, and surfing, while I would rather self-destruct in front of the computer for two months. She goes to bed at 10 o'clock, while I have no sleepiness at 3 o'clock in the morning. Our eating habits are completely different. We can't find the same type of food in a not-so-large buffet restaurant. She needs a well-organized and delicate home, while my sense of order may come from organizing apps by color in folders and changing the theme color of VS Code. I love watching movies and anime, while she thinks life is short and wants to seek a pure land through reading. ...

Sometimes we are surprised at how two such different people ended up together, and sometimes we feel that it should be this way, just like a poem by Pablo Neruda that I quoted on a card when I sent her flowers:

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Interesting Things and Objects#

Input#

Although most interesting inputs are automatically synchronized in the "Yu's Life" Telegram channel, I will list some of them here. It feels more like a newsletter.

Books#

Neurosis and Human Growth, recommended by homura, finished reading, as mentioned above.
What My Bones Know, about self-healing, maybe reading it after finishing "Neurosis and Human Growth" will bring a different experience.

Articles#

Videos#

Anime#

Spy x Family Season 2, Aniya Saiko!
Fena: Pirate Princess, so captivating, binge-watched 13 episodes.
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