Weekly Report #43 - In the Mood for Love

Preface#

This article is a record and reflection on life from 2023-06-22 to 2023-07-10.

The past few weeks have been long yet short, filled with many events and thoughts I want to express. I often feel the urge to write, but there seems to be a voice deep inside me that holds me back, as if everything is not yet ready. I want to tell a good story, but I find it hard to begin.

Until late tonight, when I heard HIGH4&IU's song "Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossoms" in Spotify's Discover Weekly recommendations, my emotions were gently stirred, reminiscent of the line from Mayday's song "Gentle": "Walking in the wind, today the sunshine suddenly feels so gentle."

The season may not be fitting, and the lyrics may not be particularly relevant, but there are always a few songs that can connect tightly with my feelings at certain moments, even if it's just the prelude that makes my heart resonate. So I hurriedly opened the blog document that had long been created but remained blank, wrote down this title, wanting to quietly express in this place that has carried so many of my experiences and emotions:

"I have fallen in love."

In the Mood for Love#

As mentioned in the previous article "Weekly Report #42 - Views on Relationships, Life State, and Self", I find it hard to believe that I am fully prepared for love. Many emotions may have eased but have not yet settled, and while I am aware of many aspects of my views on relationships, I still haven't managed to sort them out properly. There are still many parts of myself that I need to understand and overcome.

However, sometimes life is as intricate and traceable as the intertwining and convergence of world lines in "Steins;Gate."

In mid-June, I went to Beijing to attend the Gopher China 2023 conference. Since I was busy yet took some time off, I didn't arrange any special itinerary. I thought it was rare to return to Beijing, so I stayed a few more days and chose a hotel near my senior sister Boyi's home. Life after work became much more vibrant; I would go to a nearby Japanese restaurant to eat and chat, walk several kilometers to attend concerts, and occasionally go to a bar to sip drinks and draw.

Perhaps because I had grown accustomed to and even cherished the daily routine of those few days, when the departure approached and my senior sister said she suddenly had work arrangements to go on a business trip to Shanghai, I almost immediately (as if I had grabbed a lifeline) said:

"Then I'll go with you."

I probably wouldn't consider myself a fatalist. After experiencing some things, it's hard to believe in predestined fate. Perhaps without this choice and this sentence, the world line would continue on its original trajectory, and perhaps it would converge again at some point in the future, or perhaps it wouldn't. Fortunately, it is so.

Although the trip to Shanghai lasted only two days, changes quietly occurred, and feelings grew and spread freely in my heart. We strolled along the Bund, stopping to guess the words on the tall buildings or boats across the river; clearly having an umbrella, yet getting drenched in the sudden rain, laughing like two people who never grew up.

When we parted at Hongqiao, we both understood that we could no longer maintain the unspoken understanding we once had, yet I still felt scared, retreated, and avoided.

"I fear the feelings I have developed, afraid that my flawed self cannot bear such a complex relationship, and also afraid of being infatuated with the fleeting joy of saying one thing while meaning another."

This probably reflects my most genuine state before.

beautiful_cloud_in_beijing_boyi

During the first week back, both sides remained calm, struggling and in pain. I talked with family and close friends until dawn, trying to distract myself from being affected by her presence from afar, only to find it was futile and self-deceiving. Each day seemed to follow the original trajectory of life, yet my emotions were already in disarray. I would feel delighted for an entire evening because my senior sister posted a beautiful cloud, and I would be sad for an entire day over a slightly polite tone.

So I secretly booked a train ticket to Beijing, appearing at my senior sister's doorstep with flowers at the end of June, feeling anxious and timid yet also looking forward to it. I was so nervous that I couldn't speak and had to drink whiskey for courage (unconsciously finishing half a bottle), worried that my half-drunk self couldn't properly confirm my feelings, and then I sent her a message on WeChat saying, "Senior sister, I like you."

And then, I fell in love.

Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossoms#

Falling in love has become something that feels quite surreal to me. Amidst the joy, I seem to slowly start thinking about what our relationship is based on.

The feeling of liking goes without saying; while freshness and curiosity are beautiful, they often don't last long. So what remains?

Because of a montage video "Nostalgic Montage | In the Drifting City, Do We Look Up at the Same Starry Sky," I recalled a line from Rika in "Tokyo Love Story":

"There must be many people like me in the world, wandering alone. But everyone looks up at the same starry sky."

I think this is probably my current thought.

weibo_about_boyi_when_we_meet

I remember a Weibo post I made when I had just gotten to know her and was sending her off. Although I am not particularly good at expressing my emotions face-to-face, I vividly remember the moment on that rainy night when her words struck me, and I hurriedly turned away to hide my tears. These few sentences have stayed with me for many years. Perhaps at that moment, I felt a resonance, wandering just like her, pretending to be strong and carefree, yet being touched by things so small they couldn't be smaller, feeling lost.

tokyo_love_story_stars

Everyone is an independent individual. I find it hard to become, nor do I wish to make another person my star or spiritual support. But perhaps, we can look up at the same starry sky together, quietly holding each other's hands when the bustling crowd and the spreading streetlights dazzle our eyes.

Personal Life Snapshot#

yu_running_records

The biggest change in my life over the past few weeks is that I started running every day. Using yihong0618's "GitHub - running_page," I am still cultivating the habit and have persisted in getting up around 7 a.m. every day. I truly feel that the world is different now.

There are many other things I want to say, but that can wait for later.

Interesting Things and Items#

Input#

Although most interesting inputs will automatically sync in the "Yu's Life" Telegram channel, I still selected a portion to list here, making it feel more like a newsletter.

Books#

Essays by Lu Xun, a book sent to me by my reader and friend Junjie, which I slowly browse through after my morning runs.

Articles#

Videos#

Here are some interesting videos I have watched:

Podcasts#

Episode 3 | English Learning Experience, Thai Meditation Experience - Beyond Code

Music#

Series#

Black Mirror Season 6, disappointing. I still had quite a bit of expectation before watching, found the first episode somewhat flat but with decent creativity, only to realize that was already the peak, feeling inexplicably commercial. In contrast, many plots from the first two seasons still feel timeless and even forward-looking even years later.

Movies#

A Certain Man, I actually want to write a review for this movie, but it seems I haven't watched it deeply enough; I might rewatch it.
The Missing Her, feels like the first movie I've seen in a theater in nearly a year, a bit hard to describe, with a sense of disconnection in both logic and rhythm.