Preface#
This article is a record and reflection of my life from January 16th to January 22nd, 2023.
This week was divided into three parts, with travels and twists and turns in Beijing, Hangzhou, and my hometown in Jiangsu. As someone who hasn't left home for almost three months, the journey brought some fatigue, but I found that I didn't actually resist the change in the rhythm of life that comes with such a long period of time. In fact, I felt curious and excited.
I sent my cat, Nienie, to a colleague's house for foster care and I was very worried. I returned to Hangzhou and spent time with my parents and sister, and met some friends. Then I hurriedly returned to my hometown in Jiangsu for the Spring Festival. Maybe because my mood improved, I became more positive about the New Year and the Spring Festival. I sent some New Year's greetings to my friends and regained some sense of ritual. I also found that my friends' conversations were quite interesting. Recently, I have been sharing these daily experiences on social media, which is a recovery of my desire to share, as I mentioned before. There were also many other interesting things.
Home#
The sunset I accidentally took on the first day of returning home. After taking the photo, I felt that the sky in the countryside had a special feeling, which reminded me of the cover image of the movie "Flipped".
In fact, when it comes to returning home or going back to my hometown, there are always some complex emotions involved. Or to put it more abstractly, the sense of belonging to "home" and "family" has undergone a lot of thinking and changes for me.
Although I was born in Hangzhou, I spent most of my childhood in my hometown in Jiangsu. My parents were developing their careers in Hangzhou, which was probably a reasonable choice for young people at that time. In my almost forgotten childhood memories, my parents' images were not very clear. It wasn't until the second grade of elementary school, when I was 9 years old, that I came to Hangzhou to live with my parents.
Influenced by some sense of closeness, I have always lived a relatively independent life. Starting from junior high school, whether it was choosing my high school, applying for universities, or making daily decisions, it seemed that I had to make decisions on my own, and my parents rarely gave me advice, let alone made decisions for me. Of course, the benefit is that they also won't interfere in my life because of my grades or early relationships (they even help me cover up sometimes).
I remember the clearest time was during my senior year of high school. My ranking allowed me to choose "Southern University of Science and Technology," a newly established but interesting university, through independent enrollment. I was actually quite tempted, but in the situation of having a lot of academic pressure in my senior year and having to go to a unfamiliar city for an interview, it was difficult for me to make a decisive decision. So I called my dad, briefly explained the situation, and wanted to ask for his advice. All I got was "It's up to you to decide," and then he hung up.
It would be a lie to say that I didn't feel a bit sad and resentful, especially when I saw my classmates and their parents enthusiastically discussing the opportunities of various schools. I seemed to feel helpless for the first time. After returning to the candidate classroom, I didn't say a word and gave up all the opportunities.
The same thing happened when I was choosing my university after the college entrance examination. At that time, I avoided all the options in Zhejiang and Shanghai because of some emotional issues. I spent only two or three hours in the afternoon looking at the pink admission brochures of some out-of-province universities that I had never heard of but had similar scores. My parents knew the reason, but they also didn't interfere. Maybe it was a bit of a rebellious attitude. I was quite naive at that time.
It wasn't until my junior year, when I was busy with entrepreneurship and internships, that I happened to go on a business trip to Hangzhou and stayed at home for one night. It was already a bit late when I arrived home, but I found that my mom was still waiting for me, while my dad had already fallen asleep because of some socializing. For some reason, I sat on the edge of the bed and started talking to my mom about various things from the past. I realized that I had never really tried to understand my parents' inner thoughts or communicate with them.
Both my mom and dad were born in the 1970s, so they are relatively young compared to my friends. My mom said they were first-time parents and had no experience. They felt guilty because of their work and couldn't accompany me during my childhood. When I came to Hangzhou, they were also somewhat at a loss about how to face this familiar but somewhat unfamiliar individual. In the end, they chose "respect" and talked about many details of our relationship over the years.
To be honest, I was surprised when I heard this for the first time. I had many self-centered speculations before, always thinking that maybe it was because I didn't grow up with them from an early age, so the emotional bond between parents and children was not as strong, and it might be difficult to make up for it.
But I also suddenly realized that my parents have silently given me a lot. In the more than ten years since I can remember, I have never seen my parents argue, and even now their love has not diminished over the years. This has allowed me to maintain many beautiful fantasies about family. My dad has a very tolerant personality and has never scolded me since I was a child. However, he is very strict about time and commitments. Whenever I violate them, he always emphasizes it repeatedly until it becomes ingrained in me. My mom, although most of the decisions are made by my dad, her kindness and gentleness have greatly influenced me, making me prioritize good and evil and treat others sincerely. As for the aspect of making decisions on my own that I used to complain about, it actually allowed me to make firm decisions on my own in many important life choices since my junior and senior years. I can say that my subsequent decisions, such as starting a business, applying for a different major, studying in Hong Kong, working in Beijing, and the various brave decisions I will make in the future, are all thanks to this.
After this long conversation, I seemed to have gotten used to this way of communication. Every time I go home, we always chat late into the night, whether it's about my experiences in different places or family matters. It's like being with friends, and we even tease each other (like my mom always thinking I'm a scumbag). I still live my own life as an individual in various cities, but home is no longer just a temporary resting place for me. It has become a place of belonging, independent but not distant.
As for my hometown, I can say that I have been fortunate. Up until the beginning of 2021, in the more than 20 years of my life, I have not experienced any heart-wrenching farewells, and I thought it was something that should be taken for granted. It wasn't until one morning when I received a short message from my dad saying "Grandma passed away" that I truly felt a sense of spiritual and emotional tearing.
Even at that time, I couldn't make it back for the final farewell because I was studying in Hong Kong, and I couldn't return for a year due to various reasons. It was delayed, and now it's already the third year. As the time to return home approached, I felt more guilty and scared. I grew up by my grandmother's side, and my emotions don't need much explanation, but it's even harder to imagine the pain my mom felt. Going back to my hometown this time had a different meaning because of that.
There is a movie called "Home," and the story itself doesn't have much similarity to mine, but the title left a deep impression on me. Everyone's home is different, but we always need to constantly search for such an existence, whether it is called origin or belonging.
Personal Life Highlights#
Nienie's Recent Situation#
Nienie is being fostered at the home of my project's team leader. He was considerate enough to come and pick her up on the 17th. I packed a lot of things and gave various instructions. I couldn't bear to part with her, even though it was just a short separation. Fortunately, she seems to be adapting well. Although she is not as active during the day, she still explores at night and her eating habits are normal. I feel a little more relieved now.
I have completely taken on the role of an overprotective father. I worry that she might not adapt well and suffer, but I also feel a sense of loss if she adapts too well (I hope I'm not heartless). My friends say I shouldn't have a daughter in the future because I would worry too much.
On the other hand, it seems that she has taken a liking to the bird in their house, which is kept in a cage. He always thinks that Nienie wants to eat her. I spent a long time explaining to him that Nienie is just friendly and probably likes her and wants to play with her. I don't know if he believed me or not.
I want to go back and pick her up.
Meeting Friends#
On the first day back in Hangzhou, I met a junior who worked on a side project together. We met around June or July because I posted my weekly report on Jike. I was surprised to find out that he was my junior in college. The world is really small. We talked about many ideas and he participated deeply as the lead developer in a startup project. Although I had some shallow experience in various positions before and had done some entrepreneurship, I was actually a bit tired of the tedious parts, and he happened to be very good at those, which allowed me to focus on engineering implementation. The initial idea of the project also came from my personal information management needs, so it was a kind of unexpected fit. This time, we finally met offline, exchanged ideas, and there are also many tasks and plans for the Chinese New Year. But we managed to get through New Year's Eve and the first day of the lunar year (mainly because it was too cold).
Finally met STRRL. I was actually quite transparent when I first started using Twitter, and we met through a link exchange. He also invited me to a weekly report group formed by Homura, which allowed me to have more interactions with everyone. Gradually, it became an outlet for my desire to express myself.
As someone with social anxiety, although I had the experience of meeting Homura in Beijing before, I was still a bit scared before meeting STRRL. We agreed to have lunch in a small commercial area in Hangzhou. After meeting, I found him to be cool and interesting. We talked about interesting experiences and some plans. I didn't feel much restraint, but rather a lot of common ground. It was a successful offline meeting! (I actually talked a lot when we met)
Input#
Books#
- My Occupation is Novelist: Currently reading, but progress is slow.
- The End of the World and the Cold Wonderland: Reading on the high-speed train back, not many chapters yet, but I am attracted to the interwoven narrative style and many descriptive methods. I will finish reading it in the next few days.
- Starting from the Extreme: Actually, I rarely read books directly related to feminism, and Maugham's "The Painted Veil" is the only one that comes to mind. This book was strongly recommended by a friend, and it is in the form of letters. I read the beginning and found it quite good, so I am reading it alongside other books.
Anime#
- Bungo Stray Dogs: Currently watching. The concept of using writers and literary works as abilities and skills is quite interesting to me. I will watch a few episodes at night.
- The Three-Body Problem (Animated Version): Watching it whenever I have time.
TV Shows#
- The Three-Body Problem: The TV series is actually quite good. Maybe it's mainly because I really like Yu Hewei (I was impressed by his portrayal of Mr. Chen Duxiu in "Awakening Age"), so I watch the updates whenever I have time. But the pace is too slow, I hope it can pick up the pace, unlike the animated version that was hard to understand.