Preface#
This article is a record and reflection on the life from 2023-01-16 to 2023-01-22.
This week was divided into three parts, traveling back and forth between Beijing, Hangzhou, and my hometown in Jiangsu. As someone who hasn't been out for almost three months, the journey brought some fatigue, but I found that I didn't actually resist the change in the rhythm of life over a long period of time. Instead, I felt curious and excited.
I sent my cat, Nienie, to my colleague's house for boarding, and I was very worried. After returning to Hangzhou, I spent time with my parents and sister, and met some friends. Then I hurriedly went back to my hometown in Jiangsu for the Spring Festival. Maybe because my mood improved, I became more positive about the New Year and the Spring Festival, and sent some New Year's blessings to my friends, bringing back some sense of ritual. I also found that my friends' conversations were quite interesting, and recently I have been sharing these daily experiences on social media, which is a recovery of my desire to share that I mentioned before. There were many other interesting things as well.
Home#
The sunset I accidentally took on the first day of returning home. After taking the photo, I felt that the sky over the fields had a special feeling, which reminded me of the cover image of the movie "Flipped".
Actually, when it comes to going home or returning to my hometown, there are always some complex emotions involved. Or to put it more abstractly, the sense of belonging to "home" and "family" has undergone a lot of thinking and changes.
Although I was born in Hangzhou, I spent most of my childhood in my hometown in Jiangsu. My parents were developing their careers in Hangzhou. Perhaps for young people of that era, it was a reasonable choice. In my vague childhood memories, my parents' images were not very clear. It wasn't until the second grade of elementary school, when I was 9 years old, that I came to Hangzhou to live with my parents.
Influenced by some sense of closeness, I have always lived relatively independently. Starting from junior high school, whether it was choosing my high school, applying for universities, selecting a city to live in, or dealing with daily trivial matters, it seemed that I had to make decisions independently, and my parents rarely gave me advice, let alone made decisions for me. Of course, the advantage is that they also won't interfere with me in terms of grades or early relationships (they even help cover for me).
I remember the clearest time was in my senior year of high school. My ranking in the class was just enough to choose "Southern University of Science and Technology," a newly established but interesting university, through independent enrollment. I was actually quite tempted, but in the situation of having a lot of pressure from senior year coursework and having to go to an unfamiliar city for an interview, it was difficult for me to make a decisive decision. So I called my dad, briefly explained the situation, and wanted to ask for his advice. All I got was a sentence, "You decide for yourself," and then he hung up.
It would be a lie to say that I wasn't a bit sad and resentful, especially when I saw my classmates and their parents enthusiastically discussing the opportunities of various schools. It seemed like the first time I felt so helpless. After returning to the candidate classroom, I didn't say a word and gave up all the opportunities.
The same thing happened when I was choosing my university after the college entrance examination. At that time, I avoided all the options in Zhejiang and Shanghai because of some emotional issues. I spent only two or three hours in the afternoon looking through the pink admission brochures of some out-of-province universities that I had never heard of but had similar scores. My parents knew the reason, but they also didn't interfere. Maybe it was a bit of a rebellious act, and I was quite naive at that time.
Maybe it wasn't until my junior year, when I was busy with entrepreneurship and internships, that I happened to be on a business trip to Hangzhou and stayed at home for one night. It was already a bit late, but when I got home, I found that my mom was still waiting for me, while my dad had already fallen asleep because of some socializing. For some reason, I sat on the edge of the bed and started talking to my mom about various things from the past. Only then did I realize that I had never really tried to understand my parents' inner thoughts or communicate with them.
Both of my parents were born in the 1970s, so they are relatively young compared to my friends. My mom said they were first-time parents and didn't have much experience. They felt guilty because of their work and couldn't accompany me during my childhood. After I came to Hangzhou, they were also a bit unsure about how to face this familiar but somewhat unfamiliar individual. In the end, they chose "respect" and talked about many details of our relationship over the years.
To be honest, I was surprised when I heard this for the first time. I had many self-centered speculations before, always thinking that maybe it was because I didn't grow up with them from an early age, so the emotional bond between parents and children was not as strong, and it might be difficult to make up for it.
But I also suddenly realized that my parents had silently given me a lot. In the more than ten years that I can remember, I have never seen my parents quarrel. Even now, their love has not diminished over the years, which has allowed me to retain many beautiful fantasies about family. My dad has a very tolerant personality. From childhood to adulthood, he has never scolded me, but he is particularly strict about time and commitments. When I violate them, he always emphasizes it repeatedly until it becomes ingrained in me. My mom, although most matters are decided by my dad, her kindness and gentleness have greatly influenced me, making me prioritize good and evil when facing various choices and treating others sincerely. As for the aspect that I used to complain about, that I always had to make decisions independently, it actually allowed me to make firm decisions on my own in many life choices after my junior and senior years. This includes my entrepreneurship, applying for a different major, studying in Hong Kong, working in Beijing, and various other decisions that may be considered brave. All of these are thanks to my parents.
After this long conversation, I seemed to have gotten used to this way of communication. Every time I go home, we always chat late into the night, whether it's about my experiences in different places or family matters. It's like being with friends, and we even tease each other (like my mom always thinking I'm a scumbag). I still live my own life as an individual, wandering in different cities, but home is no longer just a temporary resting place for me. It has become a place of belonging, independent yet not distant.
As for my hometown, I can say that I have been fortunate. Until early 2021, in the more than 20 years of my life, I have never experienced any heart-wrenching farewells, so I thought it was something that should be taken for granted. It wasn't until I received a short message from my dad one morning saying "Grandma passed away" that I truly felt a sense of spiritual and emotional tearing.
Even at that time, I couldn't make it back for the final farewell because I was studying in Hong Kong, and I couldn't return for a year due to various reasons. It was delayed, and now it's already the third year. As the time to go home approached, I felt more guilty and scared. I grew up with my grandmother by my side, and my emotions don't need much explanation, but it's even harder to imagine the pain my mom felt. Going back to my hometown this time had a different meaning because of that.
There is a movie called "Home," and the story itself doesn't have much similarity to mine, but the title left a deep impression on me. Everyone's home is different, but we always need to constantly search for such an existence, whether it's called origin or belonging.
Personal Life Highlights#
Nienie's Situation#
Nienie is staying at my project leader's house now. He was very thoughtful and came to pick her up on the 17th. I packed a lot of things and gave various instructions. I couldn't bear to leave her, even though it was just a short separation. Fortunately, she seems to be adapting well. Although she is not as active during the day, she still explores at night and eats normally. I feel a little relieved.
I have completely become like an old father, worrying that she might not adapt well and suffer, but also feeling a bit lost if she adapts too well (I hope I'm not heartless). My friends say I shouldn't have a daughter in the future because I would worry too much.
By the way, it seems that I have taken a liking to the bird they keep in a cage at his house. He always thinks Nienie wants to eat her. I spent a long time explaining that Nienie is just cute and friendly, and maybe she just wants to play with her. I don't know if he believed me or not.
I want to go back and pick her up.
Meeting Friends#
On the first day back in Hangzhou, I met a junior who worked on a side project together. We met around June or July because I posted my weekly report on Jike, and I was surprised to find out that he was a junior from my university. The world is really small. Later, we talked about many ideas and he became deeply involved in a startup project as the lead developer. Although I had some shallow experience in various positions before and had done some startups, I was actually a bit tired of the tedious parts, and he happened to be very good at those, allowing me to focus on engineering implementation. The initial idea of the project also came from my personal information management needs, so it was a kind of unexpected fit. This time, we finally met offline and exchanged ideas. There are also many tasks and plans for the Chinese New Year, but we managed to get through New Year's Eve and the first day of the new year (mainly because it was too cold).
Finally met STRRL. When I first started using Twitter, I was still a small transparent figure. We met through a mutual exchange of blogroll links, and he invited me to join a weekly report group organized by Homura. I had more interactions with everyone and gradually became an outlet for my desire to express myself.
As someone with social anxiety, although I had the experience of meeting Homura in person before, I was still a bit scared before meeting STRRL. We agreed to have lunch in a small shopping district in Hangzhou. After meeting, I found him to be cool and interesting. We talked about interesting experiences and some plans. I didn't feel much restraint, but rather a lot of common ground. It was a successful meeting! (I actually talked a lot when we met)
Input#
Books#
- My Occupation is Novelist: Currently reading, but progress is slow.
- The End of the World and the Cold Wonderland: Reading on the high-speed train back, not many chapters yet, but I am attracted to the intertwined narrative style and many descriptive methods. I will finish reading it in the next few days.
- Beginning at the Extreme: Actually, I rarely read books directly related to feminism, and Maugham's "The Painted Veil" is the only one that comes to mind. This book was strongly recommended by a friend, and it is in the form of letters. I read the beginning and found it quite good, so I'm reading it alongside other books.
Anime#
- Bungo Stray Dogs: Currently watching. The setting of using writers and literary works as abilities and tasks is quite interesting. I will watch a few episodes tonight.
- The Three-Body Problem (Animated Version): Watching it whenever I have time.
TV Shows#
- The Three-Body Problem: The TV series version is actually quite good. Maybe it's mainly because I really like Yu Hewei (I was impressed by his portrayal of Chen Duxiu in "Awakening Age"), so I watch the updates whenever I have time. But the pace is too slow, I hope it can pick up the pace, unlike the animated version, which was hard to understand.