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Weekly Report #15 - Self-reflection and Seeking External Help



This article is a record and reflection on my life from 2022-10-10 to 2022-10-18.

Due to the pandemic, I have been staying at home in Hangzhou. As the weather gradually gets colder and I didn't bring many clothes, I immediately bought a ticket back to Beijing as soon as my health status returned to normal. In just half a month, my home became quite messy, so I spent almost the entire weekend cleaning and organizing.

Two projects have started to overlap, and my work efficiency at home is not very high. It has been a long time since I learned something new, so I organized my study plan and schedule.

On the bright side, I finally managed to stick to morning runs for a few days and saw the long-lost scenery of Hangzhou. However, I also clearly felt that my physical fitness has declined. As autumn and winter approach, maybe I should do more indoor exercises.

A Memorable Conversation#

I had a conversation with a friend whom I met in a club during my undergraduate years and have been calling each other master and apprentice. He has completed his first novel and started his own book recommendation account on Bilibili. It feels like a serendipitous encounter. I remember discussing the idea of writing such a work a long time ago, like a seedling hidden in my memory. Now, it has gradually sprouted, and as a witness, I am genuinely happy. On the other hand, as a mentor, there are some things I have always wanted to do (such as a Bilibili account) but have been continuously putting off. It's time to step up.

I have always cherished this kind of communication that is not based on daily interactions. Although we haven't been in touch for nearly two years, I still discover many ideas and similarities in traits. It's like a magnetic field or understanding based on personality compatibility rather than daily or other specific purposes. This kind of communication is easier to maintain in the long run. It seems that all it takes is a thought, a sentence like "By the way, I suddenly thought of..." or an unexpected "Let's have a phone call in a few months?" to open up the conversation. It's a very pleasant relationship dynamic.

Gender and Communication#

We initially talked about the issue of gender and communication. It was mentioned that it seems difficult for boys to fully focus on the content produced by girls. They always seem to be sensitive to photos and work emotions, often overlooking some opinion-oriented expressions, as if gender segregates equal communication.

This is an interesting phenomenon that seems to naturally exist in relationships between different genders. Due to some inherent differences in thoughtfulness, males are more likely to ignore the expression of female perspectives. Admittedly, I am not a noble person either and cannot avoid being influenced by appearance or what can be called charm when making initial judgments. However, once someone becomes a friend, I tend to overlook these factors and pursue more genuine and equal communication. Especially as I gradually become less dependent on social interactions, I cherish these opportunities for communication even more. Such sincerity often receives the same response.

Creation and the Desire to Share#

We also discussed the relationship between creation and the desire to share. In a sense, both my blog and my friend's book are forms of creation and also vehicles for our desire to share.

Writing, producing content, expressing ideas, or gradually realizing previously buried thoughts are manifestations of the desire to share. However, it is not about boasting about writing something seemingly impressive to others out of vanity. It is about hoping to express sincerely or to have the works we have put effort into be taken seriously or receive feedback.

A metaphor from my friend is quite fitting: it's like shouting into a valley, hoping to hear an echo.

Self-reflection and Seeking External Input#

One memorable point was the concept of "self-reflection and seeking external input." As human beings, our focus is often divided into two aspects: internal and external. Comparatively, external focus occupies the majority due to its stimulation and positive feedback, while internal focus is often easily neglected.

At some point, I started to fear and be vigilant about my own changes, afraid that one day I would no longer be able to read books and watch movies, or that my thoughts would become empty after finishing them. This is such an unimaginable and unacceptable thing. At the same time, I also worry about stopping my own growth, and how many interesting stages of life I would miss.

Upon careful consideration, I realized that I am actually afraid of losing the ability to self-reflect. Seeking external input always seems to provide some answers, while self-reflection has no end point. Losing my own core, losing the curiosity and drive to explore myself, is the most fearful and unbearable thing.


This section will record my input and output as well as other interesting things.



  • Essays on Reading by Maugham: I rekindled my passion for literary classics. I read it for the first time several years ago and have reread it several times since then.
  • Common Sense: Dao Chang's political commentary. Some of the political views from many years ago are quite interesting when viewed in the current Chinese context.
  • The Crowd: A Study of the Popular Mind: I read it during my freshman year, and revisiting it now feels quite different, especially in terms of the gradual disappearance of individual traits.


  • Freefall: I was mentally tense throughout the entire movie, and the viewing experience was quite unique. The last time I felt this way was probably with "Walking on Clouds." Although I am not afraid of roller coasters and similar activities in my daily life, I don't actively seek out such thrills. I am curious, though, and have been thinking about going hiking. Maybe I can try bungee jumping and skydiving in the future.

TV Series#

  • The Terminal List: The setup in the first episode felt a bit tiring and oppressive, but the pacing afterward was very tight. PTSD and revenge elements are common in TV series, but there were still many surprises. I checked and found out that it was directed by the same person as "Person of Interest," which gave me a familiar feeling.
  • Shishi and Yudan - Can We Sue Over This?: I watched this drama because of a reaction image of Karata Erika. The style is good, but the plot and cases are just average. It may have originally been more focused on social commentary and educational significance. Also, it seems that there are more and more good new legal dramas recently.
  • Empresses in the Palace: I caught up on this drama during the weekend. I was never interested in this genre before, but I have always liked "Nirvana in Fire" among historical dramas. However, after finishing this drama, I discovered many different aspects that attracted me. The pacing and acting were excellent at the time.
  • Quiet Snow: A new Japanese drama that I am currently following. It's beautiful.


  • Wolf Children: I randomly came across this anime movie that I had wanted to watch since high school on Douban. I really like the art style, especially the detailed natural landscapes. The ending was good, but it still felt a bit melancholic. I really liked the characters' personalities.
  • Dorohedoro: It was quite famous when I was in high school, but I didn't watch anime back then. I'm catching up on it now, and the first episode was pretty good.
  • The Case Study of Vanitas: A colleague said that to watch this anime, you need to understand deadlock, mutex, and parallel computing. I'm interested, so I started watching it. The setting is quite interesting.


  • Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade: I'm more than halfway through the game, but I'm a bit tired. It's mentally taxing, so I'll finish it when I have more free time.
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