Preface#
This is a record and reflection on the life of the week from 2022-09-27 to 2022-10-09.
This is a very long weekly report because I took early leave and returned to Hangzhou on the morning of September 29th, followed by the National Day holiday, which turned into a short vacation. That week was mainly about overtime work and going home, so I decided to merge them into one report.
I continued to work on the project at hand and was a bit rushed due to the early leave before the holiday. Although there is still a lot of overtime adjustment to be done during the holiday, the functionality is finally completed. Therefore, the week at home was somewhat relaxing. I spent time with my family, met some friends, changed my hair color (blue-gray), and reorganized my put-aside life.
The Put-Aside Life and Self#
It has been almost half a year since the changes in life in the middle of the year. I always thought that I was inevitably forgetting, but the increasingly frequent dreams recently seem to mock me, reminding me that I have just been put aside and never truly gone.
I used to rarely dream, and although I can't say that I was carefree, my positive character did not significantly affect my life. However, recently, there have been some real memories and scenes that reappear in dreams, so real that I feel confused every morning. It takes more and more time to resolve these low emotions, or let them breed and spread to corners of my life.
Looking back at the past six months, I don't seem to have been completely defeated. The work has been going well, and the revived blog has gained some recognition and a considerable amount of traffic. Although I sometimes slack off in the weekly report, I have managed to keep it going. As a Twitter account eager to share, I have accumulated some fans and become a small technical and daily blogger. My channel for rambling thoughts is slowly filling up with rich content. At the same time, I have read many books, movies, anime, and TV series recommended by Mark. Although my thoughts may not have changed much, I have been cultivating the habit of thinking.
Everything seems to be going well, but I always feel that something is missing.
I always seem to protect myself from falling into an extremely bad state. When I feel low and depressed in certain aspects, I forcefully divert my energy to other things, seeking balance and dignity in certain aspects. It's like looking at my life from an objective perspective, filling the gaps in life too calmly, while the meaning of life itself is put aside, seemingly losing its importance and significance.
A few years ago, I wrote a piece called "Confession at 23: Pursuing Meaning," which can be considered a meaningful opening for this blog. Looking back at the words at that time, although I didn't come up with any profound truths after some self-righteous insights, I still had some pride and determination to construct myself.
But now, it seems that I have put aside the concept of self along with the loss of meaning in life. It seems that as long as I keep myself busy, everything will be fine. The weekly report is a channel for self-reflection, but it can only solve the current state and mood and is difficult to touch the depths of self.
I can see the obvious decline but have no power to make up for it. This sense of powerlessness is not subjective self-paralysis and indulgence, but a suffocation and despair like drowning in the sea, unable to save myself and even more difficult to rely on others. I can't see the lighthouse and can only rely on the occasional appearance of driftwood to survive. I don't want to always leave negative words, but during this holiday, I let myself be engulfed by the vortex of emotions and almost couldn't feel the passage of time.
October 10th is the day when I first brought Xiao Shu home. I still remember the time I spent lying under the sofa for a few hours, attracting her to come out with cat food. I also remember the joy of holding her in my arms for the first time. As this day approaches, I can't help but feel more and more sad.
Taking care of a cat is probably something that requires a lot of effort. Originally, I thought it was more about us taking care of the cat and providing her with a comfortable living environment. Now I realize that I need her. I may consider getting another cat earlier. After I can return to Beijing, I will go back to the previous cattery and see if I can add some anticipation and tenderness to my life.
Other#
This section will record my input and output, as well as other interesting things.
Devices#
Every one or two years, I use a mobile emulator to revisit classic GBA games, but playing with virtual buttons always lacks the feeling of childhood. Thanks to @Ehco1996, I got a new toy and unlocked a new world of open-source handheld consoles!
I quickly revisited the Pokémon and Fire Emblem series (although I have completed them many times before). It was enjoyable!
Input#
Books#
- Gift You a Bullet: This is the most enjoyable book I have read in the past two years. It is a collection of essays and notes, so I can read a few pieces during my commute without feeling interrupted. I really like Liu Yu's speaking style. The essays mix with political and cultural reflections, and several times I almost laughed out loud on the subway. It turns out that words can vividly and realistically portray a person's way of life and the appearance of their world. The truthfulness and self-ridicule in these words are also the state I aspire to. I hope that when I look back at my own writing in many years, I can have some surprises like this to some extent.
- Siddhartha: It is a short book that I finished reading during a two-hour flight. Maybe because I was physically isolated from external disturbances, I felt unexpectedly peaceful. It tells the story of Indian religious philosophy, a pursuit of the pure and peaceful part of oneself. A friend once told me that he had experienced a stage where he felt that everything was meaningless, closed and painful. I often have similar feelings, and it suddenly reminded me of Siddhartha. A complete person needs to go through the entire life of Siddhartha, from rebelling against everything in the world, rejecting mediocrity, to self-restraint, suppressing desires, self-escape, and comfort, and then to start to understand, learn, and overthrow oneself, self-contradiction, and finally to still follow oneself but be able to understand and sympathize with others and their way of life. The most profound point for me is that from the perspective of a complete life, it warns me that life cannot find oneself by following rules or imitating and following others. Only by constantly thinking and searching can one truly understand oneself and life. It doesn't mean that everything needs to be experienced firsthand, but at least it should be explored and experienced rather than demanded. I highly recommend watching the analysis video by the Bilibili hidden gem uploader "天真的和感伤的小说家" (Innocent and Sentimental Novelist).
- Less Than One: I found out that I had read it a few years ago when I was organizing my bookshelf at home, but my memory has become a bit fuzzy. I'll mark it and reread it when I have time. I really loved physical books back then.
Movies#
- Bullet Train: It has a feeling similar to "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels". The switching of shots and the neon light narration setting are quite impressive, but unfortunately, the ending and background explanation are a bit rushed.
- Manchester by the Sea: Maybe it's not a movie suitable for me to watch when I'm feeling low, but I watched it quietly until the end. Regret, emotions, family, and a sense of loneliness, I can't say that I can fully empathize, but I am trying to understand them.
TV Series#
- The Terminal List: I saw it recommended and just watched the beginning.
- Stone and Feather Boy - Can I Sue for This?: It has already ended, but I still haven't finished watching it. I saw a compilation by Zhuzhi (竹棘) recently, so I thought I would watch the rest.
- Dragon's House Season 1: I'm in the middle of watching it and it's okay. I thought I might as well finish watching it.
- Rick and Morty Season 6: Maybe because I watched the previous seasons in one go, I'm taking my time with this season and discovering more details.
Anime#
- Summer Ghost: It accompanied me through the past six months. The setting, rhythm, and plot are very comfortable, and I am satisfied with the ending. After all, who doesn't love sweet romance?
- My Stepmother's Tank is My Ex-Girlfriend: Apart from the setting, it is more like a romantic daily life anime in the middle and later stages, but it's also a bit sweet.
Games#
- Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade: I recently bought an open-source handheld console on a second-hand platform, so I can calm down and catch up on the Fire Emblem series that I have been longing for. When I was young, I couldn't fully appreciate the fun of strategy games, so I regret it a bit.