Preface#
This article is a record and reflection on the life of the week from 2022-08-29 to 2022-09-04.
I found that the number of unedited original photos I took in the past keeps increasing. I have been slowly organizing them recently. Currently, I also select a cover image that best fits the theme for each article. I am considering whether I can select some works as a collection for specific themes in the future.
It was quite unexpected to hear from several friends in real life that they are following my weekly reports. During conversations, they would mention things I wrote in previous reports. There was also someone unexpected who reestablished contact because of the weekly reports. The medium of my own sharing is slowly connecting and influencing my real life, which feels very strange.
Returning to the Past, Regrets, and the Present#
Because of a conversation, I spent a sleepless night on Friday, and many memories from my student days kept coming back.
The next day, I felt a bit unsettled, so I rewatched an old Japanese drama called "Operation Love." It's about a man who goes back to the past through photos to make up for regrets, but he realizes that no matter how much he tries to fix things, he can't change the outcome. In the end, he decides to take action in the present.
Actually, when I watched it a few years ago, I was always puzzled. Is it really meaningful to revisit past regrets years later and try to achieve a better ending? In other words, could all of this be just a blind pursuit of the beautiful imagination reflected by the memory filter, just like the youth and beauty emitted by the photos used for time travel, existing only in memory?
Returning to the Past#
I don't know whether to consider myself lucky or unlucky, but I once had a story that could be called "returning to the past." The story is not complicated. In junior high school, I had a crush on a girl, and we met again in our freshman year of college due to some coincidences. Perhaps some inexplicable emotions were reignited, and we got together. However, we broke up after a little over a month.
Maybe because everything happened too quickly and there was no time to leave behind anything beautiful, there was only a vague saying in my memory corner that roughly meant "The freshness does not come from experiencing the known with an unknown person, but from exploring the unknown with a known person."
In fact, the pain caused by the end of that relationship is no longer important, but its existence itself has a special meaning. I was probably awkward and slow in junior high school, unable to hide my feelings for her, but only able to express them clumsily. There was no halo of a male protagonist in reality, and naturally, there was no happy ending. But it was indeed the first time I felt the emotion called "liking," and "coincidentally," this "continuation of the past" in college was also my first love.
The same person carried two layers of different emotions and meanings. It should have been a good story, a love theme that never gets old, "making up for the regrets of the first throbbing years later." But after truly entering this relationship, I realized that it wasn't like that. The initial liking, after being worn down by time and growth, was reduced to some persistence that was torn apart by such forced efforts.
Regrets and the Present#
None of us possess the superpower to go back in time and change memories. Because of the aforementioned experience, I have always been somewhat afraid of repeating the same mistakes. I treat those regrets like Pandora's box, cautiously sealing them away. Sometimes, I even think I have forgotten them, only to discover their clarity when certain things or words stir up emotions.
Since we're on this topic, I want to tell another story, a long story hidden deep in my memory.
After the division of arts and sciences in high school, I entered the liberal arts class, a completely unfamiliar environment. Despite my prosopagnosia, I inexplicably remembered a petite girl in the front row. She had a beautiful smile, and her unique "guess who I am" when I added her as a friend always made me smile whenever I thought about it. A chat during a National Day holiday brought us closer. A joking remark like "I'll call you in your dormitory" made me look forward to every weekend noon for several months. I would walk along the small path by the canal, the rustling sound of stepping on fallen leaves and the gentle voice on the other end of the phone sketching the most beautiful autumn in my memory.
The subsequent memories revolved around companionship, interspersed with some trivial but heartwarming daily moments: silently looking at the night sky together in the corridor after evening self-study, chatting about daily life with her, who was determined to grow taller by drinking QQ Star Milk, became the happiest time of the day; I remember overhearing her say that a classmate brought delicious sugar-coated haws, but I was too embarrassed to ask, so I walked several streets near the classmate's address I found out, finally found the same thing based on the packaging, just to see the surprised yet pretending-to-be-calm expression on her face when it was delivered to her; I remember a school craft festival charity sale, I chose a blue wind chime that I liked and wrote her name on it to be delivered to the class. The innocent little thoughts accompanied the gentle swaying of the wind chime; a few months before her 18th birthday, I applied for a day school without telling her, secretly recorded video blessings from important people around her and audio messages from the whole class, and edited them into a video that may seem very rough now but was filled with a lot of thought at the time, just to make this birthday a bit more special for her;...
It seems that everything related to her was good.
But the beauty in the world often ends with regrets, and in the end, we couldn't be together, leaving one to lament the heartlessness of fate.
After the college entrance examination, due to some arguments and disagreements that could have been let go of now, we fought, broke up, and deleted each other. Although I later asked about scores and university choices, I inexplicably avoided all cities related to her. It wasn't until university that I found out about her current situation and reestablished some contact, but we were no longer the same as before.
In fact, for so many years, I couldn't casually tell this story, and I have always been afraid of those regrets and the emotions they bring. It was not until all these memories emerged on this night that I couldn't sleep.
These beautiful moments and regrets from the past have shaped who I am today. In "Operation Love," the protagonist Ken chose to face the present with these memories, while I chose to write them down. The manifestations of courage may be different, but at least we have taken the first step.
Others#
This section will record my input and output as well as other interesting things.
Work#
This week, I mainly focused on rehearsing for a presentation. It's a challenge because it involves operating the demonstration and giving explanations for over an hour. It's natural to feel a bit nervous, and I hope everything goes smoothly during the actual presentation. The rest of the time was spent getting familiar with a new project. I haven't officially started my development tasks yet. In the past, I often multitasked, but most of them were similar tasks. This time, there are many things that require additional learning, and I feel a bit overwhelmed.
I also learned PostgreSQL. I thought about organizing the usage of some commonly used technology stacks or tools in my work practice. It can also serve as a reference, like an ongoing series (another flag). I don't know when I will be able to write more in-depth articles that I feel confident about. I still have a long way to go.
Input#
Books#
- Hackers & Painters: I'm currently reading this book during my commute. I originally thought it would be more practical, like "The Pragmatic Programmer," and read it as a way to pass the time. But unexpectedly, many of the ideas are interesting, and the writing style is very pleasant. I'm about halfway through, and I'm quite immersed in it.
- Bullet in the Brain: I just started reading this book. I'm more interested in learning how to "examine" the people and things around me.
TV Shows#
- Rehearsal: When I watched the first episode, I was thinking, can the actors participating in the rehearsal really enter their roles with a new identity? Or what would happen if someone involved in the rehearsal gradually couldn't distinguish between it and reality? It's a short and interesting series. It tells you from the beginning that it's a performance, and it's easier to be drawn into the story without expecting any twists. The age transition on the slide was amazing, and there were many long shots.
- Operation Love: An old drama. Because of some things this week, I thought about my high school days and rewatched this series. I think the last time I watched it was probably in my freshman or sophomore year.
- Hospital Playlist: I'm at the part about medical ethics. I'm curious about how they handle things in such a political environment.
- Dragon Family: I watched another episode. I'm starting to lose interest.
- Taxi Driver: Still following this series.
- My Stepmother's Daughter-in-Law is My Ex-Girlfriend: Still following this series.