pseudoyu

Preface#

This article is a record and reflection of my life from 2022-08-01 to 2022-08-07. In terms of work rhythm, it can hardly be considered busy. There were even a few days when I got home around 7 o'clock, which gave me more leisure time to reflect on my personality and life state, and to sort out many scattered thoughts.

Sincerity#

Over the weekend, I learned that a close friend was facing difficulties in interpersonal relationships. We also reviewed and analyzed the various factors involved, such as personality, personal temperament, communication, and thinking methods. "Sincerity" is the core factor that runs through all of them. Combined with the previous analysis of interpersonal relationships and communication, I will briefly discuss my thoughts.

Difficulties in Interpersonal Relationships#

With the growth of age and the influence of certain traits internalized in my character, I am quite willing to give to others, especially those close to me. I also believe that I have practiced this in my past experiences. However, some things that happened later made me gradually realize that I seem to have always clearly defined the boundaries of interpersonal relationships. Family, loved ones, close friends, other friends, people I won't have deep connections with, strangers, etc. Although there may not be much subjective awareness or utilitarian considerations, there are always hidden priorities among them. In most of my communications with others, I may only achieve authenticity or avoid insincerity, but taking the step of sincerity is often difficult.

From the perspective of social standards or the positive feedback obtained from others, it seems to be sufficient. This often makes me wonder if there is an inherent line between people when they first meet, which is not difficult to achieve. Friendliness seems to already meet the basic requirements for establishing almost all relationships, but crossing that line requires multiple times the effort. However, I often stop at this point. It seems that at a certain critical moment, a voice tells me that what I need to do for this relationship is just this, and it's enough.

Self#

Later, a quarrel with a close friend made me realize the self-righteousness and self-satisfaction hidden behind this way of thinking. It even subtly influenced my behavior and thinking priorities. After realizing this, I have made some adjustments and changes. I gradually care less about the proportion of mutual giving and start to subconsciously consider what others need and what I can do in my interactions with them. Whether it's communication or getting along, I go one step further from my previous habits. I have also received some sincere feedback, but I still feel that it is difficult for me to be truly sincere in my heart.

Perhaps out of insecurity and self-defense, I often feel that the friendliness shown by others towards me is largely an equivalent response to my friendly attitude towards them. In fact, there are many factors of indifference in my heart, and I cannot always be enthusiastic and wholeheartedly give. Sometimes I feel like an outsider, watching my actions and the corresponding feedback I receive, and in the process, realizing my "optimization" in the process of interacting with others.

It's not that there is any malice or ulterior motive, but when examining myself, I always have some strange thoughts. But over time, it becomes difficult to feel the sincere part in the other person's words or feedback, and it is difficult to distinguish whether it is a thank you or just pure emotion.

Gradually, I find it easier to let my guard down with these types of people:

• Close friends who have always been there for me like family
• People I have emotionally invested in without any defenses
• Friends who have gone through difficult times together (such as bad states, emotional breakdowns, etc.)

The commonality is that I have voluntarily shown them my extremely vulnerable, sensitive, or bad side, and they have trusted and accepted me, making me realize that I rely on this sincere companionship at a certain stage. Perhaps I am too demanding in this regard, or maybe I am no longer accustomed to pouring too much sincerity into a new relationship. I often feel that I am becoming more and more negative and dull emotionally, and I often no longer have high expectations. This is the biggest challenge I am currently facing. The contemplation and exploration of sincerity and getting along with others are still ongoing, and I hope to find some relief.

Games#

I didn't actually play any games this week, but I want to talk about "games."

Games are something familiar yet unfamiliar to me. When I was a child, I was a die-hard fan of Nintendo. A GameBoy and several Pokémon (then called Pocket Monsters) cartridges accompanied me throughout my childhood. I completed all the versions countless times and cherished various collectibles in the games. Even in junior high and high school, I often revisited those classics through emulators, playing old versions of The Legend of Zelda and Fire Emblem.

After entering college, I completely lost interest in games. I only played one game against bots in League of Legends, and I didn't join the Overwatch craze. I only briefly tried Hearthstone and Honor of Kings before never opening them again. Whenever someone invited me to play Honor of Kings, my response of "I'm not very good" always surprised them.

I always felt that there were more important things to do, or I was afraid of feeling guilty after immersing myself in games. I have been avoiding them and gradually lost interest, until the release of the Nintendo Switch in 2017. It seems that I have regained my passion for the world of games. I have collected many games and immersed myself in the land of Hyrule without remembering Link's mission in The Legend of Zelda. I spent countless nights hatching eggs in Pokémon Sword and Shield to train my team, and I spent a whole night strategizing over a limited item in Fire Emblem: Three Houses...

Games have brought me a lot. I even lost a bet over whether a character in Genshin Impact was Childe or Zhongli and had to buy a Starbucks coffee. Every day, we catch Eevee together, complete daily tasks, and challenge gyms in Pokémon Go, bringing us a lot of joy. Later on, she played Genshin Impact while I played Pokémon, and we both turned it into a game of character development and dressing up. Gradually, the joy of games is not only limited to the game design itself but also the daily life within them.

Nowadays, I often have the desire to pick up the controller and play something, but I keep switching games and find it difficult to muster the courage to start. I have also lost that state of mind.

Self-Adjustment#

This week, I continued to prepare for the previous project at work. Because I am already familiar with the architecture and code, the workload is manageable, so I can finish it relatively early.

However, despite having some free time, I still feel a bit drained. Recently, I have started to think about the nature and rewards of work, and I discussed this with a college junior whom I met by chance. Although I gained a lot of improvement in the early stages of my work, which was necessary, I realized that because it was not something I truly wanted to do or was interested in, but rather a series of external demands, I lacked the positive feedback that comes from a sense of accomplishment. Instead, I can only compensate for this part through my own blog posts or other learning outputs.

In the past few days, I have been able to get home around 7 o'clock, and I have more time to spare. However, in the first few days, I felt a bit lost and didn't make good use of my free time or relax. Humura gave me a lot of suggestions after reading my previous weekly report, especially regarding exercise and sleep, but there is very limited room for adjustment this week. Even after stopping melatonin (I have finished two bottles), my sleep has worsened.

The schedule for the next few days has improved a lot, but my sleep still hasn't improved. I feel that I need more self-discipline to adjust my state. By self-discipline, I don't mean just focusing on work or study, but rather strictly dividing my time to ensure a balance between work, study, leisure, and exercise in a regular manner. It's not about alternating between periods of productivity and periods of laziness, but rather finding subtle motivations or expectations for myself every day, such as taking videos of daily life or cultivating simple habits.

Learning and Input#

This section will record interesting things I come across and progress in work and study.

Technical Learning#

This week, I read a lot of books and tutorials outside of work. I have used Docker and Kubernetes extensively in my work, so I have some understanding of the basic operations. However, I haven't systematically learned their principles and advanced usage. I discovered a great channel called "TechWorld with Nana" which explains things clearly and practically.

I have completed a full study of the architecture and core mechanisms of Cosmos and am currently drawing diagrams and organizing the information. My first project at work was based on Cosmos and lasted for almost half a year, but I always had only a partial understanding of its underlying principles. Finally, I am filling in the gaps and studying it thoroughly.

Blog-related#

I came across a learning concept based on blogs or teaching, which sets the standard for learning a new topic as being able to teach others or help readers better understand. With this premise, I have planned several blog posts:

1. Principles and Architecture of Cosmos
2. Docker Basics and Practices
3. Kubernetes Basics and Practices

Next week, I need to spend more time on writing.

Input#

Books#

• The Tim Cook Biography: Surprisingly, it provides insights into Tim's childhood and some of his ideas.
• Blockchain Architecture and Implementation: A Comprehensive Guide to Cosmos: I read it because it is related to my work. The first four chapters are excellent, especially the detailed explanation of the architecture and consensus algorithms. I plan to study the source code as a reference when needed.

TV Shows#

1. The Genius Basic Law: Lei Jiayin's acting is excellent, and Zhang Zifeng is also quite impressive. As I watched further, I found that the parallel world setting is similar to "Somewhere Only We Know," but the logic and worldview are different, and the changes in the plot and character are a bit confusing.
2. Extraordinary Lawyer Yu Yingyu: A new episode is released every week.

Anime#

• Summer Ghost: It's getting more and more exciting.
• My Stepmother is My Ex-Girlfriend: I watched several episodes in a row, and it's quite relaxing.