I've been thinking about writing a weekly report since before my birthday. What initially attracted me was the open-source weekly report by Xuanwo. On one hand, I admired the ability to produce and contribute something every week, and on the other hand, I was interested in the idea of observing and evaluating my life, work, and studies on a weekly basis.
Giving up thinking is always the easiest and most comfortable thing to do. Life is already filled with countless trivial matters, noise, and various "high-priority" things. Sometimes, even if I have a rare moment of uninterrupted time, it seems like I would choose to daydream and space out. This is probably the inertia of life. Even as the beginning of this series, the freshness and lingering warmth of the flag were not enough to resist inertia, and I only slowly started writing two days after the scheduled date.
Although this is positioned as a weekly report, I still want to adopt the form of complete articles covering specific topics, rather than just a collection of items. Perhaps in the current stage of life, I will focus more on reflections on emotions and life. In some later stages, I may also pay attention to lifestyle and observations on personal development. It may not be necessary for every article to stand at a high level to indicate a direction or provide motivational slogans for myself. I prefer to see it as a form of dialogue.
In this article, let's talk about emotions, sense of security, and living seriously.
Starting Life from Scratch#
May was not exactly a blur, but it was far from being proactive. I avoided facing various changes in life for various reasons. From a painful late night, I made up my mind to make adjustments to my living environment and habits, and start living seriously on my own from my birthday.
Actually, this short sentence has multiple meanings for me: "starting over," "on my own," "seriously," and "life."
It seems that it has been a long time since I managed my life from a personal perspective. In the six or seven years since university, I seemed to be someone who tended to seek "attention" from what I was doing. Coupled with my mild personality, I was not lacking in social interactions. So for a long time, I only needed to focus on myself and did not pay much attention to the elements of "life" radiating from my own life axis.
After the transition from student to entering the workplace, when free time and available attention were occupied by work and social interactions that seemed natural at this age, I seemed to find it more difficult to find my own part in them.
Being carried forward by life is like a passive skill cultivated as one grows older. Most people would praise this part of "moving forward." It seems commendable to be able to maintain the motivation to move forward at this stage. However, it is also a thinking trap, a comfort zone composed of a sense of satisfaction. Perhaps what we need to overcome is not the squeezed time and energy, but how we can fight against anxiety in this state to maintain our original intention.
Perhaps it is human nature, even without deliberately comparing oneself with others, there is always a worry or fear of feeling "Left Behind." It seems that I always tend to constantly acquire new information or learn new technologies in my studies, always afraid of the opportunity cost caused by the shift of my focus, and even without considering the cost and without filtering. Fortunately, I have a good degree of freedom to avoid meaningless work. After completing my work responsibilities, I will invest more time and energy into my own affairs.
I am actually not a person who relies heavily on social interactions. I pour most of my emotions that I am willing to express into the people closest to me. But whether it's because I'm in a new environment or at this age, I seem to slowly start worrying that I might be too independent and miss the opportunity to meet new friends. I also worry that I might be the one who can't join the conversation in my circle of colleagues. Although it is not utilitarian, I am slowly starting to face others in a more positive and polished manner.
Moving forward without direction and original intention may alleviate one's anxiety, but it may also lead to long-term stagnation or deviation from the track. The boundary of this part is difficult to grasp, and I seem to have always been not good at dealing with these things. But in order to regain control of my life, I need to confront these things constantly, and human nature always tends to choose the easier way. Therefore, the biggest enemy is still myself.
"Illusion" and "Reality" in Relationships#
Actually, it is still difficult to avoid pain and loss when it comes to relationships now, but it is gradually becoming a time when I can look back. I saw a sentence before:
In the previous discussion on relationships, "25-Year-Old's Confession: Bouquet-Like Love," I mentioned:
Sometimes, in order to maintain the status quo, life requires desperate changes and adaptations.
In fact, thinking about it later, this is also something that is unrealistic and impossible to maintain. The decline of emotions is something that can only be truly understood through personal experience, just like "people getting old," which is common sense but needs to be personally experienced to truly understand. Like many things happening in life, the drain in the bathroom at home has been clogged, and a little water overflows every time I take a shower. It may have been like this for a week, or even longer. Because it doesn't overflow too much and doesn't affect the room much, it just wets my feet a little, and it will recede soon, so I haven't paid much attention to it and haven't fixed it. Or every time I close the door, I always do it carefully and look back, afraid that the cat will run out. It took me a while to realize that I have been away from this home for a long time, but I just got used to it. Maybe many things are like this. When you stare at a predetermined result, you suddenly realize that it has been happening all the time, but you just didn't notice it.
Perhaps what I have increasingly realized about relationships is that memories are not so strong. Habits and the most beautiful moments of the past can become unfamiliar bit by bit as time passes, and reality often accelerates this process. And it seems that I have relied too much on these beautiful feelings, thinking that they outweigh everything else. Actually, I don't know how to describe the overlapping of fantasies and reality in relationships. It's just that various fragments of memories seem to remind me in various ways that these things and emotions have truly happened. It's like many words that have been remembered or habits that have been developed through long-term interactions always appear in certain moments like pranks, and some of them have become symptoms.
For example, every evening around six o'clock, I always think of what she said when she took a nap and looked out the window at sunset. She would feel especially lonely and uncomfortable, as if she were the only one in the world. Maybe I have always considered myself a strong person, and at that time, I didn't completely empathize with her. I just hoped that I could accompany her when she woke up at such times. And now it seems that I have fallen into such a state myself, and even when it's too quiet or too noisy around me, I can feel this sense of loneliness. Of course, this is another topic.
Loneliness and Sense of Security#
As mentioned earlier, I used to not be afraid of loneliness, or at least not very sensitive to it. But with changes in my life, my perception of loneliness has become more significant. Now, no matter what I do, it seems that I need to have a podcast or white noise playing to calm myself down a bit. Music seems to be too noisy, making it impossible to concentrate on enjoying the melody, and it only brings irritability. Perhaps I have placed too much pursuit of a sense of security in emotions. When this part is missing, the excessive sense of security that comes from being overly protected dissipates, and the sense of loneliness that accompanies it quickly invades my life. Perhaps in the long time to come, the sense of loneliness will be like a friend, always with me. I have not yet learned how to get along with it, but I am gradually getting used to its presence.
Perhaps gradually, I will place these expectations on close friends, family, or other relationships. These seemingly ordinary things are not easy for me to do, whether it is because I am afraid of troubling others or because of my so-called self-insistence. It seems that even when facing relatives or the closest friends, I have a self-protection and a tendency to "share joy but not sorrow." I am always unwilling to admit my weaknesses or share my emotions proactively. This has nothing to do with familiarity. It's just that I seem to only be used to showing everything about myself in an intimate relationship. Unfortunately, many stages of love depend on fantasies and feelings, and they often cannot withstand the side effects brought by complete reality. This does not mean that relationships need to be concealed or acted upon, but that relationships are not a perfect vessel for seeking a sense of security. The emotional and atmospheric aspects it relies on need a certain distance and imagination to build, and it also requires grasping the boundaries and balance.
Learning, Input, and Output#
This section will record various audiovisual books, interesting things I have tinkered with, and progress in work and learning. Fortunately, based on the article "Sharing My Footprints: Automation of Information Input and Output Workflow," I have set up my own "Yu's Life Channel," which automatically collects some of my active output and input, such as Twitter, blog, bookmarks, and GitHub activities. It is very convenient for me to review every week.
I returned to the office this week after working from home for nearly two months. I'm still not used to it, but it's a good thing to be able to go out. Because the project is about to end and the workload is not heavy, this week I need to familiarize myself with the fabric environment and some operations. Although I'm not particularly interested, it is still an important part of my work.
Recently, I have been learning Solidity and Rust development. However, because I returned to the office this week, I had very little uninterrupted time and made average progress. I need to plan again. I also plan to start relearning and documenting CSAPP. It's time to consolidate and supplement my technical knowledge and fundamentals.
This week, I had some interesting discussions about blockchain and technology with a leader, which also provided some references for my future learning direction. The road of technology is still far away. Keep going.
I organized my GitHub Star list and projects, categorized some of them, and recorded them in Pinboard with tags for management. I transferred some "read later" items to Instapaper. In practice, I have read a lot of valuable and nutritious content through this method. In the future, I need to specialize more in certain areas for in-depth learning.
In terms of audiovisual content, this week I mainly caught up on "Mr. Robot," an American TV series that I had watched a long time ago and found interesting, so I rewatched the first few seasons and watched the latest season. As for books, I haven't finished reading "Lolita" yet. I have been slowly reading it during my commute, but it has been put aside for a long time due to staying at home.
Writing is the longest-lasting and most effective interest I have persisted in, and I have even earned some unexpected fees. This week, I published an article on Shaoshupai, "Why I'm Still Writing Blogs in 2022," which received a good response. I met many people who also write blogs and had exchanges with them. I also improved the blog data statistics system. In addition, I received a commissioned article about blockchain, but it is about stablecoins, which I am not very familiar with. I need to do some research and learning.
Software and Hardware Optimization#
This week, I transferred the n8n service to Railway through Docker for deployment, so I don't have to worry about service exceptions anymore. It will be a more stable system.
I used frp to achieve intranet penetration at home, so I can directly SSH into my Mac Studio, which is always on, from the company or when I'm outside with just a Chromebook. I also plan to set up a Raspberry Pi, which can save a lot of costs for cloud servers. I also want to play around with some fun things like temperature and humidity sensors.
The DJI RS3 camera stabilizer arrived, and I tried it out and learned the basic operations. However, I'm not very familiar with the leveling part, so I will learn to use it slowly. I can take more videos with it.
The new keyboard, Leopold FC660C, arrived. I really like its appearance and feel. It has become the main keyboard at home, and I brought the HHKB to the office.
Habits, Interests, and Changes#
It is difficult for me to define whether I am a person who likes change. I am happy to accept new things and can adapt to a new environment relatively quickly. However, when it comes to many familiar daily routines or parts that I still have attachment and emotions towards, I try hard to keep them as they are. I have preserved the layout of my home, my dressing style, and even the order of colors in my wardrobe like a perfectionist. Even some habits and patterns of behavior in my life, it seems that I am unwilling to change them. It is difficult for me to define these behaviors of mine. Perhaps it is the attachment to the past or the obsession with changes that I am unwilling to accept.
But sometimes, making changes and trying new things can be very interesting. It is also a good way to explore new lifestyles or interests. This section will also record some of the experiments and progress I have made in trying new things and cultivating interests.
- Input Method: I tried switching to Xiaohe Shuangpin, which I have been interested in for a long time but never had the patience to practice. It's not about improving typing speed, but I feel that it is an interesting experience to switch a habit that I have passively maintained for more than ten years. It has been about three weeks, and my speed has not returned to the level of full spelling, but the rhythm of typing has improved a lot. More importantly, I seem to have found joy and pleasure from the improvement and practice of typing, which is hard to imagine from something I have been doing for more than ten years.
- Video Editing: I have always wanted to do some shooting and editing, but I haven't been able to complete any creative work due to previous work and daily interests. Perhaps it is more about cultivating skills. I plan to start doing some shooting and editing and learn how to use stabilizers.
- Exercise: I feel that I have been staying at home for too long and haven't exercised for a long time. I plan to start doing some daily exercises using a fitness ring, and when the weather is better, I can go skateboarding to maintain a relatively stable frequency.
- Languages: English reading and writing are used a lot in my daily work and studies, but I want to improve more in terms of spoken English, so I need to have a stable practice frequency. As for Japanese, I haven't continued learning it after completing the New Standard Japanese Beginner level. I also need to review and prepare for it.
- Music: I had my guitar sent over. I learned it for a while in my freshman year but put it aside for a long time. I plan to practice it again. Music is an art that can relax and calm people, but it requires practice and persistence. I will also record some practice processes and small works in video format.